What it was really like. (Part 2)

Hey everyone hope you are well? So Wednesday saw the beginning of the series I started to write about what I wrote on my previous blogging site. This was the series where I openly spoke out about my depression and anxiety and more importantly how I was feeling. So maybe, if you are currently going through something like this, these series of posts will help you out and show you that you are not alone. Something which I have found out, a lot of people are being diagnosed with depression these days, it is so common. It does not make you any different from anyone else, we all have our own demons to battle with. Here is the second instalment for ‘What it was really like.’

I remember that trying to write how and what I was feeling was getting more and more difficult and it ended up sometimes being weeks and weeks between posts. Writing my feelings down and what I was going through was difficult because of the immaturity of the people I was surrounded by during that time, where they thought it would be better to make fun of what I was going through instead of helping. Trust me, get rid of people that are like this in your life, you only want and need positive people around you, that is the step forward you need to take in order to become better.

‘Time was still flying by and it was becoming more and more difficult to make through each day as it came by.’

That’s the problem with feeling like this. Each day that was going by things just became more and more difficult. The simplest of tasks became a massive mission to even attempt to complete.

‘So the time came when I realised that this weird and unusual feeling I was dealing with wasn’t normal. But then what is normal? Like I’ve said before normal is over rated, but I knew there wasn’t something right with the way I was left feeling deep down.’

Deep down, I could see for myself that when I looked in to the mirror on a daily basis I was not the same girl anymore. That when I looked in to my own eyes I could see they were dull, no light left within them. Not shining out like they used to do.

‘Time moved on, like it does and I felt myself continuing to fall down this downward spiral. No matter how hard I tried to grasp a hold of a rung to slowly pull myself up, something would pop up, make me jump and then stand on my fingertips until I let go and fell some more. (That’s the best I can explain it.)’

I felt like I was at the top of this spiral and no matter what I was doing, no matter what people were saying I was just sliding down further. To me the spiral had a massive black pit at the bottom of it and I just kept sliding closer and closer to it, the further I was falling, the harder it was to keep positive, I just felt like I was being absorbed in to this black mist that was suffocating.

‘I knew I had to keep my brave face up as much as possible. I didn’t want my problems to become someoneĀ else’s. Everywhere I looked I saw people struggling and it made me think that my problem was irrelevant and I just had to get on with it on my own. What’s life without a few little problems on your own eh? As much as I wanted to believe it I knew deep down I couldn’t convince myself that my problem was a small one and it would magically disappear.’

I thought that I was overreacting, I was told this all of the time, to get over whatever it was or just to forget about it. In the end I just kept quiet about everything that I was feeling and going through. Bottling everything up is the worst thing you can possibly do to yourself. The worst thing was the people telling me to buck my ideas up were the ones who could quite clearly see that something was wrong. When you go through depression and anxiety you do not want to become a burden on anyone else so the easiest thing you can do at the time is keep quiet, but in the end you end up doing more harm than good. The best thing you can possibly do for yourself and others, even though it is incredibly hard is to speak out.

‘One thing I should have realised though was that even though the people around me were having to face their own problems they would be happy to help me out no matter what because they loved me. The thing with life is that you have to remember that you’re not always going to have to walk alone, there are going to be people that want to hold your hand and walk along with you. You’re not expected to make it through completely by yourself.’

That is what I found once I finally found the courage to open up about what was going on with me and what was going through my head, people are more than willing to be there for you, be there in your hour of need and be there when you just need someone to hold you, a shoulder to cry on. Depression and anxiety is not a problem you are going to have to face on your own, it is something that at least one person will be there to hold you hand through it all. That might even simply just be me, going through this has shown me that if I can help simply one person then I will have felt like I have made a difference to the world.

So this is definitely a shorter post than normal. If you liked part 2 of the series give it a like, do not forget to subscribe so you do not miss out on when I post on here. Remember I am still following everyone back on my social media accounts. If you could help me out by sharing this or one of my other posts on to your social media pages for your friends and family to see, it would really help me out.

Loz xx

 

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